Thread: What are your New Year resolutions?

Originally Posted by BKBastard Kestrel

generally letting my friends and family down

I think this is the best way to go. If you're a lovable, reliable man who's a central pillar in the lives of his family and friends then when you sooner or later get called to the great poker game in the sky, everyone you know will be grief stricken and you will leave a big, hard-to-fill gap in their lives.

On the other hand, if they have given up on you and even though you play only a peripheral role in their lives you still manage to cause them shame and worry then when you sooner or later get called to wank off over some chick's face on the great bukkake shoot in the sky, everyone will inwardly breathe a sigh of relief and feel it was for the best.

Besides, if God had wanted us all to be high-achieving, heroic figures, why did he make it so hard to get out of bed before lunchtime?

Originally Posted by BKBastard Kestrel

High achieving? Does that mean you wash up more than once a week?

No, once a week is enough. Likewise, if you put the rubbish out before it starts to smell up the place. If you always remember your family's birthdays and send off your Xmas cards before New Year's Eve then you're a high achieving man (HAM).

But to get full marks you have to get up every morning at 6 am and go to a job you dislike, get back home at 8 pm, listen to your wife's litany of unhappinesses and implied criticism, get ignored by your kids while they watch TV/play games, understand that your only worth in the family unit is as a cash dispenser, be happy about it and do it the next day and the next until you die.

If you're a HAM, you don't.

If you want to drink and masturbate your life away then you're probaby an everything-is-pointless-anyway-so-why-not-take-it-easy-and-enjoy-the-ride man (EIPASWNTIEAETRM). If you're this you can go to bed at dawn, get up for kids' TV, spend all your cash on booze, fags and takeaways with a clear conscience, safe in the knowledge that if you had taken the straight and narrow path you'd be even more unhappy and have the hassle of shaving everyday as well.