Thread: HELP!

I'm both disturbed and a little delighted that when I need help with life's little annoyances, it's you people I turn to.

In a drunken haze last night I became very angry with a fortune cookie I opened that said some bullshit like "You are more likely to give than give in". I feel like no one in the fortune writing business is willing to take a risk and say something like, "If you fuck that tonight, you will find a monkey in the morning."

Long story short, I have a bachelorette and anniversary party coming up, and I want to make my own fortunes cookies for them.

What do you want to see when you pop open a fortune cookie?

- You won't get laid more than 4 times next year cause you're an ugly piece of shit.
- You'll never be rich like those people, so learn to love booze.
- She's going to dump you soon, so dump her by cheating with her best friend!

Basically, simple things like that. Realistic things, not like what you said about a monkey. Fortune cookies should help people understand themselves a little bit more and bring balance into their lives.

Yes, keep it simple but true. Like:

A thing only has value if you don't have it

A nice personality is the last refuge of the unattractive

Denying a man the keys to her shitlocker is a girl's way of telling him he's second rate.

The belief that voting changes anything is only held by those so stupid that they would be forbidden to vote if it did

Get inspiration from @DrPeterThraft and @GreySkyThinking

Examples:
- Great places to urinate on eachother include the shower, the bath, or even on top of some old blankets/duvets.
- It is unfair to expect your partner to explore your unclean anus. Clean your anus.
- Stay safe - move vagina to anus rather than anus to vagina
- It takes a lifetime to build a reputation but only a moment to destroy it. Much like an Ikea wardrobe.
- You may feel like the whole world's against you but remember, a lot of them haven't met you yet.